Yes. I know. There has been another lull in my posting.
Perhaps I should apologize. Not necessarily to you, though.
I need to apologize to Him.
Repent, if you will.
I’m a good starter, but I’m not always a good finisher. I enjoy the creative process and what follows to get ideas off the ground, but I’ve had to learn to be the type of person who submits the final report or finishes the project to the end. I don’t have an issue with this when it comes to doing a project for another person, for a group or for a supervisor; my issue shows itself when I do something for me. I guess you could call me a “procrastinator” of sorts — when it comes to my own projects, ideas, tasks or to-do list. I have a theory as to why I am this way … and perhaps I’ll share that with you some time in the future!
(My husband, many years ago, bought me a book about overcoming procrastination. I had every intention of reading it. Years after that, he found it, saw I had never read it, and tried to give it away to a book drive for charity. I pulled it out of the box with every intention of finally reading it. Surprise! I never did. It’s on my “list” of “I’ll get to it” items.)
So why the lull…again? I wrote about this once before. This time, it’s not about listening to my calling; it’s about being obedient to my calling.
I’m struggling with baring my soul.
It was easier to write when my audience only knew me via the web. Now my audience is a mix of friends, family, acquaintances, strangers AND those who found me on the web. Sometimes it’s easier to be more open with those who don’t really know you. It can be tough to be open and reflective with those who see you at the post office, sit beside you in Bible studies, live over the mountain, catch a status, read a tweet or remember you when you wore your hair in piggy tails.
My calling hasn’t changed. I still feel as though He is leading me to share how I’ve surrendered my own hopes to Him in an effort to seek His will, strengthen my walk and live out the life He has planted within me. My audience, however, has changed.
Some of you are reading these posts…
…because you are on your own hope-filled journey
…because you want to follow my journey.
…because you know me.
…because a friend recommended you to me.
…because you want to support me as He’s called (thank you!!).
…because you want to see my cracks.
Additionally, some of you are reading these posts…
…because you are cheering for me through life’s challenges.
…to hold something over me.
…to take credit for something in my life.
…to see if I’m genuine.
Some of you are reading to see if I’ll crumble.
And then, there are some out there who aren’t reading these posts at all…some of whom I wish would be reading them.
These things are all a part of putting oneself out there. I know that. I’m just being really honest when I say that it makes it tough to write sometimes. Rather than write, I procrastinate. I start a lot of posts, but I am challenged to finish them.
So why SHOULD I bare a part of my seeking soul here on the web? Some of the reasons to choose to do so have been of my own doing, and some have not. The answer could be for many of the reasons listed above. If I were to find a hypothetical, big, ol’ glass bottle, and if I were to insert the mish-mash of reasons into it, and if I were to shake it all up and see which reason would rise to the top, well…
His calling for me would be the reason that would rise to the top.
The method of our calling does sometimes change, but, as believers, our purpose for being called does not.
We’re called to live our lives in such as a way as to point back toward Him.
No, we don’t all have to write a blog as a part of the process. I could live my life more quietly by picking and choosing who knows some or any of the details. I could walk a fine line to be seen but not heard. I just feel I’ve been led to reach out to others by sharing parts of how I find my hope, which, every now and then, leads others to reach back to me for prayer, confirmation, guidance and God-honoring input. Maybe, just maybe, some of you are finding a kind of hope in your own life by reading and pondering what I share.
“When we receive gifts, grace, and joy, and give them to others, we are fresh and filled with life. And when we receive, take and hold on to the good gifts of God and never pour out for others, we become bitter and toxic.”
So, even if all of those other reasons I listed above challenge me and cause me to occasionally feel as though I’m under a magnifying glass, and if being obedient to His calling points back toward Him, honors Him, honors His blessings in my life and honors others, then I need to move forward. I feel “fresh and filled with life” when I follow His calling in obedience, and I don’t want to become “bitter and toxic” by failing to recognize or share the grace, gifts and joy I’ve received from Him in abundance.
…which means I should be obedient to His calling on this season of my life.
It also means I’ll seek to write more…for your sake, for my sake and for His glory.